A Journey Worth Taking: And So It Goes

A Journey Worth Taking: And So It Goes: The first night home I was very tired and when I went to lay down, I had some pain. I took half a Percocet before bed and it knocked me out...

And So It Goes

The first night home I was very tired and when I went to lay down, I had some pain. I took half a Percocet before bed and it knocked me out for half the night. I woke up once in a little pain, so took the other half. Nothing too unbearable, but warranting medication.

 

Each day, I would feel a little better. There was still swelling and I was eating like a little bird; slow, tiny bites of a very small amount of food. I wasn't hungry at all. The new rule is to always wait 30 minutes after I eat before drinking any liquids, forever. I thought I would hate this, but it wasn't that bad. I had been instructed to walk a little every hour and this helped get me up. Blood clots can still develop months after surgery, so walking is still very important. I am increasing the amount of food I eat daily, slowly with a focus on protein intake being of primary importance.

 

I felt a huge change in me. I began to think about the whole experience. I thought about the people on Youtube that said they were depressed right after surgery. I didn't feel depressed at all. I thought about all the months of planning and testing, questions and the people involved. I thought about how much better my legs already feel. All I had was this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I am so blessed; blessed to have the surgery covered by insurance, blessed to have somehow found a truly wonderful surgeon who did a near perfect job giving me this powerful tool that will change my life and most likely add years to it. I was blessed to have a wonderful family who worried about such a big surgery, but never once uttered a word of discouragement; blessed to have such great friends who for 6 months listen to me talk about "my surgery". Co-workers who had to pick up the slack while I was home recuperating. A therapist that I can say anything to and not feel ashamed. I am truly fortunate to have this whole mixture of people behind me, helping me slay the dragon that had consumed me and taken over my life and feelings towards myself.

 

For as long as I can remember, in my mind, my identity has been "overweight woman". I let it follow me around for so long, erasing any feeling of attractiveness I had ever had. The shame of being overweight is unbearable. Looking in the mirror or at pictures was unbearable. The physical pain of carrying so much extra weight was becoming unbearable. Thank God I found a way towards a healthier way of living. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. With each day, I felt myself come more and more alive.

 

In a week after surgery I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon. He was very pleased with my progress and their scale had read I was down 16 pounds. Amazing to me - I was on my way. I wanted to give something back and the only thing I could do was to tell him how the whole experience was seamless and that the amount of gratitude I feel is beyond words. So many times we all love to trash  things when they go wrong and this was one time that I had to mention how impressed I was with this experience and how much I appreciated his confidence and talent.

 

So I have come full circle this this journey most definitely worth taking. The reason for starting these posts is to hopefully reach someone, who may be thinking about surgery as an option or someone who is struggling with pain and shame of being obese. I hope someone finds this story of a 48 year old animal lover who is deeply flawed  but finding her way towards a better life, helpful and interesting.

 

I will continue to post about my progress and struggles, most likely once a week. Do I expect there will be setbacks? Absolutely, I am still very human. Writing this blog will help keep me in check. I am in counseling which I find very helpful.  I will begin attending a monthly support group in February and follow up with the surgeon's office is for life. Once a month for the first year and once a year for life. Not bad for a practice that has uses marketing with a little bit of the "Ick Factor"

 

And so it goes, I am happy to say that as of this writing I am almost 20 pounds lighter. Not bad. Not bad at all.

A Journey Worth Taking: The Spirts Did It All In One Night

A Journey Worth Taking: The Spirts Did It All In One Night: My eyes opened and I immediately knew where I was. My first thought was, "It's over". Very groggy of course, I had some pain....

The Spirts Did It All In One Night

My eyes opened and I immediately knew where I was. My first thought was, "It's over". Very groggy of course, I had some pain. I was exhausted but the pain was kinda bad at this point. I told the nurse twice and she had already given me three doses of morphine. Then I remembered that these have got to be the gas pains they warned us about. The surgeon filled my abdomen with air for easy access to my stomach and it causes a lot of pain. They had told us to move our legs and sure enough once I did that, the pain dissipated. That was the worst of the pain I would feel throughout the whole experience. Not bad.

 

I fell asleep and when I woke up my brothers were there for a visit. I was so very happy to see them. They told me the surgeon said it went well. I was almost the only one left in recovery, only because my room wasn't ready just yet. Surprisingly my surgeon came in and told me it couldn't have gone better. I couldn't thank him enough. He had done it. I was alive and light three quarters of a stomach. I felt happy. I was to stay overnight and be released after a leak test and two meals.

 

It all went by jet fast. I got up to my room around 4:00 PM. the nurses attended to me and I was still groggy and tired. I was able to rest for a while, had a couple of visitors and went to sleep. I was not allowed to have anything at all to drink or eat of course. Nothing until after the leak test the next morning. My mouth was extremely dry with only citrus swabs to help. I really didn't feel the need for any pain medication. After blood draws and pressure checks at 8:00 PM as promised they religiously got me out of bed every two hours through the night to walk. Happily I wasn't dizzy when I first got up. With IV pole accompanying me I felt good to take my first walk. On the first walk I was alone, the other patients hadn't gotten up yet. There were 4 other women I would see at the ensuing walks throughout the night who I had met at the prep class.

 

During the next walk I saw one of the ladies and got to chat and talk about our experiences. I saw the others as the night went on and with sleeping in between, together we resembled some kind of horror movie about an IV pole parade of large ladies taking over the hospital. Walking is so important to prevent blood clots from forming. Walking was a little sore for me along my staple line, but not unbearable.  

 

I was overjoyed that this was done. From the moment I woke up, I was extremely happy with my decision. One thing was noticeably missing from my mind. The thought of food had left me, as if by magic. I had no interest in food at all. Ok, I thought, who would think of food after that surgery, surely this won't last, but as the hours passed I had no hunger and no interest at all. I saw food on television and it was a very specific feeling of being divorced from it. It was such a foreign feeling to me. It was as if a very unwanted guest who had overstayed their welcome had finally checked out. The spirits did it all in one night.

 

The next morning, bright and early it was time for the big leak test. This would really determine the quality of the job. For the first time in 36 hours the liquid I could drink was this very bitter tasting, gin colored, barium solution that would be watched going down on an x-ray. Cheers! It was liquid and I was dry, how bad could it be? Eek, bitter. Ok no big deal. It couldn't be long before I could take my first drink of something normal. Not long after I was back up in my room the nurse had told me there were no leaks shown. I took a walk and when I returned there was a tray of clear liquids. It felt so good to have something cold and surprisingly it went down fine. After I took in as much as I could, my surgeon came to check on me. Except for some low blood pressure during the night, he was pleased and ordered one more blood test. Lunch would come at noon and if that agreed with me, I would be able to go home.

 

A tiny dish of tuna salad tasted good and went down ok. A little weird at first, but good. I was ready to go home and start my recuperation. I actually couldn't wait to sleep. My brother came to pick me up; home sweet home.

A Journey Worth Taking: My Sweet Kattie

A Journey Worth Taking: My Sweet Kattie: As the next few months went by I was pleasantly surprised by how, through medical test after medical test, and clearance after clearance, e...

My Sweet Kattie

As the next few months went by I was pleasantly surprised by how, through medical test after medical test, and clearance after clearance, everything was going so smoothly and efficiently. I met a lot of really good people along the way. There was no waiting to make appointments to see any of the doctors; a week or two at the most. Everyone was pleasant and competent. It was a pleasure.

 

The one thing that worried me was being able to do my part after the surgery is over. I actually gained a few pounds throughout this process, and I worried how I would be able to do this. What's to stop me from just eating too often or too much. Not everyone is successful after surgery and it worried me. The surgery was no magic bullet; you need to change your eating habits and the quality of food you eat. There are changes that I needed to make and I wasn't sure I could do it.

 

By the fall, I couldn't wait for surgery. I was in more pain than ever and was having trouble walking. Knowing this was ahead of me I was getting more and more excited. By December the date was set; I was scheduled for Tuesday January 7th 2014. My day that will live in infamy. With the holidays coming, luckily time went fast. I had been to my final consultation with my surgeon and any final questions were answered.

 

As much as the ease of this journey was a testament to all those involved, it also proved to me that I was on the right path. There was no doubt in my mind; it all felt so right to me. My surgery date meant that I would have to start two weeks of only meal replacement shakes and clear liquids the day after Christmas. The reason for this is to shrink my liver so there is easier access to my stomach. Every surgeon has a different version of this, and mine was two weeks prior. It was fine and because the holidays were surrounding it, it went very fast. Come to think of it, as surgery got closer time went even quicker. It was coming.

 

On December 8th out of the blue my cat Kattie got very sick and by the end of the week I had to euthanize her. It was a very sad week for me, and I couldn't help but wonder about the timing of her death. Kattie was quite overweight and almost 14 years old. Perhaps this was one last sign of confirmation that I was doing the right thing. Could this be telling me that maybe she would have lived a little longer had she been a healthier weight? I'll never know the answer to that for sure, but this thought crossed through my mind. I miss you Kattie.

 

There was a very helpful, very long class that the hospital provides. It describes in detail every thing at every point what will happen to the patient. There would be no surprises, and I found this extremely helpful. I was to call the day before to find out what time to report to the hospital. Mine was 5:45 AM. I wrapped up loose ends at work the day before and got minimal sleep. I was getting up at 4:00 AM and my surgery was scheduled for 8:00 AM. The weather called for 95% of the entire country to have temperature's below freezing. It was going to be a brutally cold day. As I waited for the taxi cab to pick me up at 5:00 AM, in my sleepy state, I thought of my parents. I felt a little weird about the fact that this body that they made 48 years ago was going to be drastically altered, for life. I know how much they cared about me and would want me to be healthy. I wished they could be with me that day.

 

Prep for surgery went very smoothly. A very sweet, friendly nurse got me ready and before I knew it, I was being taken in to the holding area. After a short wait, my surgeon arrived and  came over to me to see how I was. I mentioned something about the drastic cold outside and then something wonderful happened. He used a saying my Mom always used, all my life growing up and in that moment I knew she was with me. It was a great feeling, because in one way or another my parents always let me know they are close by. She caught me right before they wheeled me into the operating room, further showing me that I had made the right decision.

 

In the operating room there were several people feverishly prepping the room. Time seemed to race by. My last conversation was with the anesthesiologist he asked me where I worked and we talked for a moment about pets. I mentioned Kattie. Everyone in the room took a time out and confirmed my name and date of birth and with Kattie on my lips it was lights out for me.

A Journey Worth Taking: I like Kool-Aid

A Journey Worth Taking: I like Kool-Aid: I felt good, I had chosen my type of surgery and I had found my surgeon. There was no doubt in my mind. I didn't feel the need to look ...

I like Kool-Aid

I felt good, I had chosen my type of surgery and I had found my surgeon. There was no doubt in my mind. I didn't feel the need to look into others. Any further research I did was on the process itself. Youtube has a wide array of videos of people willing to share their day-to-day experiences; I found them most helpful and enlightening in the ensuing weeks. One in particular was the actual surgery itself as seen by the surgeons. It was fascinating to me. Even though I know it is not, by any means easy, it looked pretty simple. It was amazing to me how anyone ever figured out to do this. Who comes up with this stuff? Truly remarkable.

In the next few days after my consultation I did a lot of soul searching about all of this. And in asking myself many questions I had this feeling come out of nowhere that was so foreign to me. For the first time, possibly ever I felt this strong feeling of love for myself. I had never felt that before. It didn't last that long, but I felt like I was caring for myself. A stark change from my usually self-battery of what an undesirable I am for being overweight. The truth was, I had given this condition way too much air time. Yes, it's horrible but in recent years, I had made it larger than life.

With an iron-clad conviction I lived my life thinking I was completely unlovable, and most importantly by me. It's that unique self-hatred that comes with being overweight. After all it was confirmed. I had been rejected in dating situations many times. I got so used to it, I could spot it a mile away. I say this not with anger but with understanding. In many ways, I get it. Our society is so conditioned to think of being fat as a fate worse than death - for many reasons. There is so much attention and reverence given to outside qualities, beauty, weight, wealth. Heart and compassion get hidden behind this veneer of designer silk and sculpted sick-pack bodies. We all drink the Kool-Aid. I did. I believed that the person I was, meant nothing against what I looked like. I didn't like, hated in fact this body that is me at all times. I can't separate myself from it. It holds 47 years of all my feelings, experiences, talents, convictions, insights, beliefs, wishes, fears, most of all love. I either needed to find a way to accept it or change it. The catapulting reason for my decision were the diseases that lie ahead of me if I continue being obese.

I am a big believer that we make our own reality. I had nothing or no one to blame but myself for what I had become. I was very sad, silently wishing someone would notice the good in me. I have a lot to offer, I am a very loving, caring individual, I have talents, I am not a bad looking woman, I have a great sense of humor, am relatively intelligent, why can't anyone see that?? The real question was, why can't I see it?? It is something I will forever need to work on. I know it in my head, I don't feel it in my heart. I trashed all of those qualities and made this fat body, king of my world. I consider myself a logical person, but this was quite twisted. I therefore have to get myself  somehow to a different reality. Probably the hardest thing ever. Forever being miss independent, it took the simple suggestion of my doctor to look at this option of asking for this kind of help. For me who is always thinking and analyzing, it was a real "duh" moment.

Putting that kind of trust in a another human being is huge. You life is in their hands. I would be counting on this individual help me change my reality. He never lost a patient and I was not about to be his first. I do believe that at your moments of need; big important challenges you face, the universe gives you who and what you need. Anyone who struggles with weight knows the pain and absolute shame that accompanies it. Day to day I lived around it. Disconnected from it. Feared it. Hated it, and hated myself. It's an extremely tough nut to crack. Years of somewhat mediocre living strengthens that shell and in turn perpetuates it.

 

Now I was being given the opportunity to make a different reality. Bring it on.

A Journey Worth Taking: I Never Miss

A Journey Worth Taking: I Never Miss: Three types of surgery were thoroughly explained to me with the focus on two. As in Goldilocks, one was too big, one was too small and one ...

A Journey Worth Taking: Peaking Through Brillo

A Journey Worth Taking: Peaking Through Brillo: I love Spring. It's so good to feel the warmth an shed the coats after winter. It was the beginning of a busy season for me and my fami...

I Never Miss

Three types of surgery were thoroughly explained to me with the focus on two. As in Goldilocks, one was too big, one was too small and one was just right.  The most involved being Gastric Bypass surgery which one of the oldest methods and least used currently. That one felt more risky to me and after all that's what the sister of the woman in my group had so I wasn't going there. The Lap Band surgery was a thought, but the one thing that resonated with me was that the surgeon described it as being more forgiving. In other words, the patient is left to discipline themselves more than the band would. It could be adjusted. If I could discipline myself, I wouldn't need surgery to begin with. If I was going to do this, it was going to be by the strongest method. I needed strong policing that was permanent. I had given myself too much margin for error over the years and enough was enough.

 

The Gastric Sleeve would be it. Reducing the actual size of the stomach by cutting it lengthwise and stapling it permanently is what I gravitated towards. It seems radical, but I needed a radical change. When he told me it was laparoscopic and the recovery time was only about one to two weeks I felt calm. I could do that. I could get used to the idea of this change. Now for the big stuff; complications and death rate. When I heard him speak of complications that could come from any surgery and precautionary steps were taken, I felt even more calm. I could breath. Surprisingly, a very small percentage of patients had leakage in the actual staples and other complications with the surgery itself. A much lower percentage than I expected to hear. The next part was amazing because this sealed the deal for me. The surgeon had told me he never lost a patient. It made me laugh because it reminded me of when I was a kid and my brother and I would play basketball, he would always say, "Watch, I never miss, I never miss a basket". It was like a little comfort to have a similar tune to my brother in this decision. And to hear that after his performing thousands of these surgeries and not losing a patient, a trust was born. It was his confidence that got to me; it made me feel like there would be no question, I would be ok with this radical change to a major organ. All my fears had dissipated in that one discussion. It was visceral; I knew in my soul this would work for me.

 

I knew he would do his part, but could I do my part? For the next six months that would be the one thing on my mind. Would I be able to comply to my stomach's limitations? To this day, time will tell. It was required by my particular insurance company that I show six months of weigh ins before they will authorize this surgery. I also had a list of medical clearances that I had to obtain for just about every major system of the body. I actually thought this was a good thing, I would take my time, and think about it further, have time to  do more research, feel it out even more. I was in no rush and it would lead me up to my busy season at work so I could take off without reservation. I thanked him and left his office feeling changed and ready to plow through a list of referrals for tests and examinations.

 

 

As a side note, let me just say that I am not a walking ad for weight loss surgery. It is absolutely not for everyone. It is a very personal decision not to be taken lightly. I am truly just expressing how I came to my decision to those who are grappling with the thought of surgery or those who have had decided but are really afraid and their fears are paralyzing them. It is to ease not pressure.

 

A Journey Worth Taking: The Ick Factor

A Journey Worth Taking: The Ick Factor: There is an a term used in direct mail fundraising called the "ick factor"; its the look of a somewhat commercial, slightly hokey...

A Journey Worth Taking: Peaking Through Brillo

A Journey Worth Taking: Peaking Through Brillo: I love Spring. It's so good to feel the warmth an shed the coats after winter. It was the beginning of a busy season for me and my fami...

The Ick Factor

There is an a term used in direct mail fundraising called the "ick factor"; its the look of a somewhat commercial, slightly hokey looking ad that screams at you boastfully. It has always been a turn off to me - bright colors and lots of graphics. In my mind most serious organizations never use that kind of marketing. Anyone who's ridden the NY subway system knows Dr. Zitzmor the dermatologist, it's in that vain. When I worked for the Michael J. Fox Foundation they were adamant about spending extra money to create their mail campaigns away from that ick factor. How could any serious group of competent doctors use this??

As I poked around the New York Bariatric Group's website I was surprised by how comprehensive it was. It was about surgery, and it wasn't about surgery, it was about everything. The content couldn't be anymore in depth and organized. The credentials were there staring me in the face. I was quite surprised and very curious. It turned out to be one of the best websites I have ever read through. I was impressed and big lesson learned about the ick factor.

I felt that feeling of anticipation and doubt. Do I actually do this? Do I really call? How many others to I look into? More research was necessary and it was quite interesting. The only person I knew that had this surgery in my current circles was a friend of my best friend. She told me to find out about the sleeve, the sleeve is the best. My own doctor's opinion was that the lap band doesn't work. Well, that seems odd to me, the lap band not work? Isn't that the most popular surgery? It was clear I needed more information.

The next step would be to mention my consideration to my family. Hoping for their support, and knowing how smart they all are, I would get good, trustworthy opinions. In May I met a friend of one of nieces' who had weight loss surgery. She is a young, vivacious person who's generosity in sharing her experiences truly helped me to feel good about making an appointment. I was ready - to at least hear what a surgeon had to say.

So there it was, the journey would really begin in June of 2013. Little did I  know at that point it would be a journey and not just surgery. It would be a complete undertaking. The consultation was set for June. Of course, insurance rules everything so I didn't have a choice in surgeons, but perhaps that was a good thing. How am I supposed to judge? What did I know? At that point half of it is gut feeling (eww, pun). All I could do was listen and be open.

I love situations where I don't know what to expect, it leaves little room for know-it-all expectations. This was going to be a big decision; understandably I was nervous. My little laundry list of questions actually seemed to be for more than just a surgeon. I had raked my mind for all the things that I needed to ask. I knew that this is a major altering of my physical body, it would also have a huge psychological component that I was eager to address. To me, both were equally important. First and foremost I wanted to know from the surgeon how risky it actually would be and how many people die from it. How do I decide which surgery is for me? How long will I need to recover and return to work? Nothing anyone else wouldn't want to know.

After getting a packet of information from the staff that showed me that the psychological part would be addressed among many other things, I was ready to listen to what this surgeon had to say.

Peaking Through Brillo

I love Spring. It's so good to feel the warmth an shed the coats after winter. It was the beginning of a busy season for me and my family. Lots of celebrations, graduations, a wedding, two actually, and accompanying bridal shower. Lots of happy occasions. I would see family members who hadn't seen me in a while and I was quite aware of how heavy I had gotten, but more importantly how awful I felt physically; the worst ever in fact. My close, very large Italian family understands; we're Italian - we do food. When pictures from that shower came it saddened me how tired and worn I looked. I don't recognize myself.

 

At a follow up doctor's appointment my doctor asked me if I would consider weight loss surgery being that I am a great candidate for it. I immediately said no way. It scares me too much and I don't think its a good thing. Besides isn't that not covered by insurance? Yeah me, the fundraiser for the North Shore Animal League makes a enough to pay for that kind of surgery. Ha! She said she understood, but that I should at least research it. I could feel my body clench with resistance. Another thing that comes with all that Italian running through my veins is stubbornness. I was in pain and couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without having to sit down. The tingly kind of pain in my legs that comes from high sugar levels; neuropathy. I knew that couldn't be good.

You tend forget how good it feels to be without pain, especially when its subtle. Like the snowstorm that isn't bad enough to close businesses and get you out of work but just enough to be a nuisance of shoveling and stressful driving. Not anything you can't deal with, but a bitch nonetheless.  In my head, weight loss surgery would mean I am a failure, taking an easy way out. I could not admit that. I will not admit that. But my very wise doctor told me that by continuing on the way I am is the easy way out and that it's a lot of work to go this route. Really??? Hmmm, I guess she's got a point. But I could deal and not let the unhappiness take me under; after all it was only one aspect of my life. I still had fun, still had my sense of humor, dated; had a decent job.  I wasn't crying myself to sleep over it. And most of all, food made it all better. Talk about a vicious cycle of denial and resistance. Like one of my cat's hair balls it was thick and dark and wrapped around me like a Brillo pad. On the ride home, out of nowhere I felt elated at the prospect of relief from this incredibly miserable state.

 

That feeling of elation, really surprised me. I do want surgery! I want relief so freakin bad from all of this. I have overcome so very much in my life.  I have lived through some very difficult things in my young life. Half my immediate family was deceased. Both parents gone by the time I was 31. My younger years were riddled with my family's illnesses and death. A dear friend died at 25 a month after my brother committed suicide. I was 22 at that time who became an adult when I was 11. Being overweight has always been my albatross. I can deal with losing my Dad at 25 and my Mom at 31, but no matter how hard I tried and asked myself to comply, I couldn't conquer eating. I couldn't do that for myself. It's progressive and with each failed relationship and each disappointment in my life, and each stressful situation, I grew. But the truth is at this moment in Spring of 2013 I was 47 and the idea of entering my 50's at this weight gnawed at me.

I loved the idea of an opening in that Brillo pad. Let me look through it. Let me just peak.

Peak I did. Google rules the world and I peaked. That feeling of elation didn't last. I read a few articles, got really scared and clenched again. It all just seemed like to much tampering with major organs. I wondered how could that possibly be safe??  I told my doctor it wasn't for me and she agreed... Then the weather got even warmer and by the middle of May Aleve was no longer living up to its name and alleviating the pains in my legs. I was at a loss. That was the most frightening moment in a long time. I knew this had to end, one way or another. Either the surgery will kill me or my weight will, maybe I should at least go down trying.  I decided to peak again. Manhattan or Long Island? Manhattan always has the best doctors and I wanted the best. But Google came back with a group on Long Island that also has offices in Manhattan. Well then...

Chris Christie, Jersey Hurricane

Ok, so I left off approximately 10 years ago. So to catch up to the beginning of last year I started off the new year with a brand new relationship. I was excited, and hopeful. In the beginning it seemed to be that I met a great guy. He like me a lot and didn't care that I was overweight. They are rare but there are men that don't mind full figured women. I think. To be honest, I don't know that I ever really dated one. Some said they didn't mind and some said they did. I do think the men I've dated didn't want to hurt my feelings because I am a good person. But nonetheless last January 7th 2013 I had a first date with a new guy and I was excited. The first few weeks were going very well. Girls pay close attention to those red flags. They are there, sometimes they photobomb the pictures in your mind so don't ignore them. They creep up fast and with good reason. I tend to rationalize and make excuses and look for the good in people. Sometimes I look hard and squint through fog, but I find it and perhaps I need to change that.

As the relationship went on uncomfortable things began to surface. I won't go into too much detail, but things that would send a lot of people running were presenting themselves. I felt like I wanted to run, and I knew on some level the relationship wouldn't last. It's popular to believe that woman ignore the signs because they want a relationship so bad that they are willing to put up with unsavory things, but in some cases, sometimes they want the experience. It can teach us things. I wasn't feeling particularly attached so I decided to ride the wave and see where it went. As I suspected it got worse so I ended the relationship. To be very honest I was relieved. I was disappointed of course, but not heart  broken. I was left with a feeling of being fed up. With myself. With my belief that because I am overweight I am not worthy and will NEVER get a good man. I stopped dating for months. I had no interest in it. I was giving up. I do ok alone. I do better.

By the Spring I was beginning to feel worse physically. Pains in my legs and my back almost every day. Difficulty walking was especially awful. I am young only 47. I used to be a lot more spry. I was hating this weight more and more, and it was making me depressed. Pains began to increase, and I was taking Aleve about once a week.

I remember one day feeling very discouraged; so much so that some very dark thoughts ran through my mind. Maybe I should just eat anything I want and let myself have an early death. I had lost some very dear people to me, and missing them, maybe I should just join them earlier. Dark right? It surprised even me to have that thought. I was depressed, not clinically, but with that half of my life. I remember hearing the saying if you have your health you have everything and it is soooo true. I didn't feel connected to my choices with food. Food led me around like a dog on a leash, and I obeyed. It was master. I did not want to think these thoughts about giving up and dying young. My Dad passed away at only 64 from complications of diabetes and he went through hell. That scared me. The thoughts scared me because I almost gave in. Someone up there, perhaps pushed me away.

My Spring physical results were in I was still considered pre-diabetic. My half-assed eating behavior wasn't doing anything to help me. I was "trying". One day I would do well, the next I was the dog on the leash. If you cut me, I would bleed Diet Pepsi. I am the problem. Not diets. Not therapists. Not doctors. Me.

I remember hearing on TV that Chris Christie the Governor of New Jersey had weight loss surgery. After hearing jokes about his weight and comments about how it would effect his political aspirations I kinda felt for the guy. The most I knew of him, he cracked me up during Hurricane Sandy.  I have no opinion of him either way, I'm a New Yorker and he is Jersey, but for some reason his getting surgery stuck in my mind.

Scary Glimmers

I am not sure where to begin this story because there is the journey at hand and what led up to it. I think I will start with the journey at hand.

For years I heard scary things about weight loss surgery. I was in an eating disorder group about 10-13 years ago and one of the members spoke about her sister who opted for weight loss surgery. She was having horrible problems with her esophagus and stomach. She was advising the members not to consider it. At that time, I thought I could conquer this problem with dieting. I decided I would never resort to such a drastic option. This group was helping me... Yeah right. Ok, it helped me meet some nice people that were struggling with the same things I was, but my behavior didn't change. And now hearing about that surgery, well that will NEVER be for me.

Fast forward to a few years later and a good friend of mine had the surgery. He was a very, very large man and one day after not seeing him for a while he said oh and by the way I had weight loss surgery. Okaaaaay. I didn't see that coming, but I asked him how it was. His story was much more positive. He was feeling quite well and sounded very hopeful. A few months past before I saw him and let me tell you, what a shock. The first thing I asked him was, "What did you do to my friend Mark?" I don't know who you are. We always had a very fun, sarcastic rapport. He didn't even look like the same person. Because he wasn't. He looked amazing. Like a completely different man. We talked all about it and he said he can eat a lot and whatever he wants, but that was not typical. He was lucky. He felt good and was very happy, and I was happy for him. Thrilled actually.  The one thing I thought was very odd was that he started having sex with men. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I just thought it was an unusual outcome. Obviously, that is another story and about him so I don't fully know the whole story. It didn't matter to me, I accepted him anyway. I was just glad to see him happy.

In my head, no way would I ever have surgery, it will not be necessary. So you see the pattern here. My feelings of I can do this and by myself. With dieting and exercise like I've done before. But the gnawing feeling inside was I invested so much time and money into losing weight in years prior, I just don't feel like going through that again. I don't have it in me.

With the knowledge of the existence of such a surgery, I continued on with my life for the next few years dealing with life by eating food with every stressor and every uncomfortable feeling. Trying to diet and deal, but slowly gaining weight. It was clear. I ruled out surgery.

Thanks for listening to this installment. - Lorri

My First Entry

Hello. This is me. Not a bad picture, but what you can't tell from it is that I am obese. I have been all of my adult life and most of my childhood. One week ago today, I had a Sleeve Gastrectomy. In other words weight loss surgery that removed 70% of my stomach.

 

The reason I am starting this blog is to share my recent journey that began 6 months ago; and to maybe reach some other person out there who struggles with the same things that I have. As much as all of our journey's are the same, they are unique. I do believe we all offer unique specific perspectives, that albeit, are subtle in difference, have the potential to touch someone. Even if it is one person, then it is worth it. You see I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude to have had this opportunity to improve myself.

 

I certainly don't claim to have the answers to everything, but I do have a perspective. It is starting here with my weight struggles, but may evolve into more. I really don't know where it will go.

 

I will start by saying I am 48 and hate being overweight. It's horrible; like a prison. It's consuming, controlling and a bear to conquer. Nothing new to anyone, I know, but if anyone who doesn't struggle with their weight is curious, it's awful. There are many, many aspects to it that effect everyone differently. I will get to those aspects in time. For now I just wanted to introduce myself and start with something not too long. I hope someone will find this interesting. -Lorri