I love Spring. It's so good to feel the warmth an shed the coats after winter. It was the beginning of a busy season for me and my family. Lots of celebrations, graduations, a wedding, two actually, and accompanying bridal shower. Lots of happy occasions. I would see family members who hadn't seen me in a while and I was quite aware of how heavy I had gotten, but more importantly how awful I felt physically; the worst ever in fact. My close, very large Italian family understands; we're Italian - we do food. When pictures from that shower came it saddened me how tired and worn I looked. I don't recognize myself.
At a follow up doctor's appointment my doctor asked me if I would consider weight loss surgery being that I am a great candidate for it. I immediately said no way. It scares me too much and I don't think its a good thing. Besides isn't that not covered by insurance? Yeah me, the fundraiser for the North Shore Animal League makes a enough to pay for that kind of surgery. Ha! She said she understood, but that I should at least research it. I could feel my body clench with resistance. Another thing that comes with all that Italian running through my veins is stubbornness. I was in pain and couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without having to sit down. The tingly kind of pain in my legs that comes from high sugar levels; neuropathy. I knew that couldn't be good.
You tend forget how good it feels to be without pain, especially when its subtle. Like the snowstorm that isn't bad enough to close businesses and get you out of work but just enough to be a nuisance of shoveling and stressful driving. Not anything you can't deal with, but a bitch nonetheless. In my head, weight loss surgery would mean I am a failure, taking an easy way out. I could not admit that. I will not admit that. But my very wise doctor told me that by continuing on the way I am is the easy way out and that it's a lot of work to go this route. Really??? Hmmm, I guess she's got a point. But I could deal and not let the unhappiness take me under; after all it was only one aspect of my life. I still had fun, still had my sense of humor, dated; had a decent job. I wasn't crying myself to sleep over it. And most of all, food made it all better. Talk about a vicious cycle of denial and resistance. Like one of my cat's hair balls it was thick and dark and wrapped around me like a Brillo pad. On the ride home, out of nowhere I felt elated at the prospect of relief from this incredibly miserable state.
You tend forget how good it feels to be without pain, especially when its subtle. Like the snowstorm that isn't bad enough to close businesses and get you out of work but just enough to be a nuisance of shoveling and stressful driving. Not anything you can't deal with, but a bitch nonetheless. In my head, weight loss surgery would mean I am a failure, taking an easy way out. I could not admit that. I will not admit that. But my very wise doctor told me that by continuing on the way I am is the easy way out and that it's a lot of work to go this route. Really??? Hmmm, I guess she's got a point. But I could deal and not let the unhappiness take me under; after all it was only one aspect of my life. I still had fun, still had my sense of humor, dated; had a decent job. I wasn't crying myself to sleep over it. And most of all, food made it all better. Talk about a vicious cycle of denial and resistance. Like one of my cat's hair balls it was thick and dark and wrapped around me like a Brillo pad. On the ride home, out of nowhere I felt elated at the prospect of relief from this incredibly miserable state.
That feeling of elation, really surprised me. I do want surgery! I want relief so freakin bad from all of this. I have overcome so very much in my life. I have lived through some very difficult things in my young life. Half my immediate family was deceased. Both parents gone by the time I was 31. My younger years were riddled with my family's illnesses and death. A dear friend died at 25 a month after my brother committed suicide. I was 22 at that time who became an adult when I was 11. Being overweight has always been my albatross. I can deal with losing my Dad at 25 and my Mom at 31, but no matter how hard I tried and asked myself to comply, I couldn't conquer eating. I couldn't do that for myself. It's progressive and with each failed relationship and each disappointment in my life, and each stressful situation, I grew. But the truth is at this moment in Spring of 2013 I was 47 and the idea of entering my 50's at this weight gnawed at me.
I loved the idea of an opening in that Brillo pad. Let me look through it. Let me just peak.
I loved the idea of an opening in that Brillo pad. Let me look through it. Let me just peak.
Peak I did. Google rules the world and I peaked. That feeling of elation didn't last. I read a few articles, got really scared and clenched again. It all just seemed like to much tampering with major organs. I wondered how could that possibly be safe?? I told my doctor it wasn't for me and she agreed... Then the weather got even warmer and by the middle of May Aleve was no longer living up to its name and alleviating the pains in my legs. I was at a loss. That was the most frightening moment in a long time. I knew this had to end, one way or another. Either the surgery will kill me or my weight will, maybe I should at least go down trying. I decided to peak again. Manhattan or Long Island? Manhattan always has the best doctors and I wanted the best. But Google came back with a group on Long Island that also has offices in Manhattan. Well then...
No comments:
Post a Comment