Ok, so I left off approximately 10 years ago. So to catch up to the beginning of last year I started off the new year with a brand new relationship. I was excited, and hopeful. In the beginning it seemed to be that I met a great guy. He like me a lot and didn't care that I was overweight. They are rare but there are men that don't mind full figured women. I think. To be honest, I don't know that I ever really dated one. Some said they didn't mind and some said they did. I do think the men I've dated didn't want to hurt my feelings because I am a good person. But nonetheless last January 7th 2013 I had a first date with a new guy and I was excited. The first few weeks were going very well. Girls pay close attention to those red flags. They are there, sometimes they photobomb the pictures in your mind so don't ignore them. They creep up fast and with good reason. I tend to rationalize and make excuses and look for the good in people. Sometimes I look hard and squint through fog, but I find it and perhaps I need to change that.
As the relationship went on uncomfortable things began to surface. I won't go into too much detail, but things that would send a lot of people running were presenting themselves. I felt like I wanted to run, and I knew on some level the relationship wouldn't last. It's popular to believe that woman ignore the signs because they want a relationship so bad that they are willing to put up with unsavory things, but in some cases, sometimes they want the experience. It can teach us things. I wasn't feeling particularly attached so I decided to ride the wave and see where it went. As I suspected it got worse so I ended the relationship. To be very honest I was relieved. I was disappointed of course, but not heart broken. I was left with a feeling of being fed up. With myself. With my belief that because I am overweight I am not worthy and will NEVER get a good man. I stopped dating for months. I had no interest in it. I was giving up. I do ok alone. I do better.
By the Spring I was beginning to feel worse physically. Pains in my legs and my back almost every day. Difficulty walking was especially awful. I am young only 47. I used to be a lot more spry. I was hating this weight more and more, and it was making me depressed. Pains began to increase, and I was taking Aleve about once a week.
I remember one day feeling very discouraged; so much so that some very dark thoughts ran through my mind. Maybe I should just eat anything I want and let myself have an early death. I had lost some very dear people to me, and missing them, maybe I should just join them earlier. Dark right? It surprised even me to have that thought. I was depressed, not clinically, but with that half of my life. I remember hearing the saying if you have your health you have everything and it is soooo true. I didn't feel connected to my choices with food. Food led me around like a dog on a leash, and I obeyed. It was master. I did not want to think these thoughts about giving up and dying young. My Dad passed away at only 64 from complications of diabetes and he went through hell. That scared me. The thoughts scared me because I almost gave in. Someone up there, perhaps pushed me away.
My Spring physical results were in I was still considered pre-diabetic. My half-assed eating behavior wasn't doing anything to help me. I was "trying". One day I would do well, the next I was the dog on the leash. If you cut me, I would bleed Diet Pepsi. I am the problem. Not diets. Not therapists. Not doctors. Me.
I remember hearing on TV that Chris Christie the Governor of New Jersey had weight loss surgery. After hearing jokes about his weight and comments about how it would effect his political aspirations I kinda felt for the guy. The most I knew of him, he cracked me up during Hurricane Sandy. I have no opinion of him either way, I'm a New Yorker and he is Jersey, but for some reason his getting surgery stuck in my mind.
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